10 Gifts Guys Should Never Buy Their Girlfriends
This one is for the guys out there facing the girlfriend gift shopping dilemma (even if you don’t realize it yet), which I know most of you are probably planning to tackle on December 24. As the daughter of a man who has only cut his hair with a Flowbee for 15+ years and once bought my mom an automatic car starter for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to get up early to warm up her car every morning, I’ve seen my fair share of gift failures. I’ve also learned that regardless of good intentions, it’s pretty easy to send the wrong message to a girl inadvertently hurting her feelings, or better yet, calling her “fat.”
The following is a guide of 10 types of gifts to stay clear of when shopping for girlfriends/wives because sometimes it’s just as important to consider what NOT to buy.
1. “Are you calling me fat?!”
Steer clear of these types of gifts unless you’re prepared to answer YES when she asks the “fat” question.
- Wii Fit
- Personal training package or gym membership
- A fancy new scale or exercise equipment
His Intention: I know she cares about getting in shape and it makes her happy. Why wouldn’t I want to buy a gift that makes her happy?
How We Twist It: I knew it, you think I’m fat. You’re just positioning it as wanting to see me happy to avoid hurting my feelings.
2. The Homer Simpson:
A gift that is actually more for YOU than it is her.
- “Bowling ball” or <fill in the blank> item YOU intend to use or share
- Tickets to watch YOUR favorite sports team
- Fix-it inspired gifts like jumper cables, tires, tools, replacements and upgrades
Your Intention: It’s something that we both wanted, so I thought I might as well get it for you OR I know I would like this if you got it for me OR you needed this, so I thought a practical gift was appropriate
How We Twist It: Oh, I’m sorry you’ve confused my showing interest in things important to you as us having matching holiday wish lists OR the last thing I want for Christmas from you is something I need. Wait to kill two birds with one stone…have fun cleaning up the mess that comes with it!
3. If it has an infomercial…
Don’t let infomercials and/or endorsements from attractive celebs like Carmen Elektra or the Kardashian clan hypnotize you. Also, humor should never be an objective in shopping for your girl.
- Sketchers ShapeUps
- Anything from the As seen on TV store including Snuggies and Shake Weights
- Stripper Pole
Your Intention: How cool, this gift can do more than one thing OR awesome – useful and funny!
How We Twist It: Wow, clearly you can’t shop alone. I’m going to have to start bringing you shopping with me so you can learn.
4. Duck and cover
These gifts might be cool for the short term, but they could have you running for cover in the long term.
- A trip to the gun range or a gun (anything that can be used as a weapon for that matter)
- Self defense or kickboxing classes
Your Intention: I want you to be safe when I can’t be there to protect you and I thought this would be a unique gift.
How We Twist It: Just the ammo I need if he ever screws up.
5. Lazyboy
Regardless of how much time you put into her gift, the following are sure to put you in the dog house.
- Gift card
- Money
- The same thing you got her last year
Your Intention: Why not help her get something she really wants?
How We Twist It: Pathetic! Do you really not know me well enough to pick something out yourself? Your lack of thought suggests you don’t care about me enough to spend a few minutes thinking of a gift.
6. That doesn’t count as a Christmas gift
Steer clear of the following unless you want to open Pandora’s Box as she is opens your gift.
- A key to your place
- Dates (unless it involves an airplane)
- Flowers
Your Intention: You can’t get much more romantic than this!
How We Twist It: Um, first of all, wrong holiday. Second, are you saying you wouldn’t give me a key, take me to dinner or buy me flowers if it weren’t the holidays?
7. Anything you made with your hands
While this might be somewhat acceptable for other occasions and recipients, unless building/creating is your profession, if the gift involves making it yourself - don’t do it.
- Mixed tapes
- A painting or drawing (a double fail if a self portrait, which would be cocky, or a portrait of her, which could be creepy or if she doesn’t find it attractive, a triple fail)
- A poem or love letter
Your Intention: If it’s the thought that counts, I know she’ll appreciate this.
How We Twist It: Um, this is awkward. While putting thought into a gift is important, you should think about the thought you want me to have upon opening this.
8. Anything that comes with responsibility
If it requires installation, daily care or has a heart beat, don’t do it.
- Auto or home electronics
- Puppies
- Love ferns (included this one just for fun)
Your Intention: I’ll help her get set up OR take care of it.
How We Twist It: Wait, you’re getting me a gift that requires work and ongoing costs? Did you think I might want to have a say in this?
9. Too soon?
Here’s a sure fire way to either scare her off or land yourself a clinger in the early stages of your relationship.
- A ring of any sort
- Jewelry that comes in a box that looks like a ring (it will plant the seed)
Your Intention: It sounded like a good idea at the time.
How We Twist It: What does this mean? Is he already thinking about marriage? What a creeper…there went any mystery and excitement OR I wonder what’s next…maybe we’ll move in together!?
10. What are you trying to say?
Much like the “are you calling me fat?” gifts, these could easily ignite other weepy/angry arguments.
- Cooking class or anything kitchen related
- Beauty anything (e.g. laser hair removal)
Your Intention: She likes to cook OR I know she likes to take care of herself.
How We Twist It: Are you saying I’m a bad cook? No? Oh, you must think a woman belongs in the kitchen. Is there something wrong with the way I look? OMG, you think I’m ugly!
Photo credits: Hulu, Monsters and Critics, As Seen on TV Guys, Elektra Pole, Snuggie, OneMansBlog, Kaboose, Creative Dating Ideas, Empire Online, My Healthy Perspectives
This list is hysterical and so true
This list is hilarious, and you even managed to work in a Simpsons reference! Well done. I agree with most of it except the kitchen one. The boy knows I’ve been working on becoming a better cook this year, and if he wants to drop a small mint on a slow cooker from Williams Sonoma or Le Creuset cookware, I’m not going to say no to that.
if I didn’t already own a pole I would totally want one as a present :O I’m a special case though
This is a ridiculous article. “Don’t make things with your hands.” You’re a materialistic waste of breath, or at least you write like one.
Sarah, Lisa and Vyque – thank you for commenting! Obviously there are always exceptions, but this wouldn’t have been near as fun to write if I didn’t focus on the extremes.
Moronic – hmmm, must have struck a nerve with you. Happy holidays…maybe someone will buy you a sense of humor.
Moronic…Since you are such a great writer, or at least judge of others writing, why not write something about how you like to waste time trying to put-down other people, who are better off in life than you.
Great post Jordie! Miss you!
I agree with all of these, although the same rules do not apply once you are married! I would love a Wii Fit or a Shake Weight! Infomercial gifts have always been encouraged in our relationship.
I love #6, haha.
This is a super informative list and great for all bf’s/husbands/male significant others to use as a guide for not only the holidays, but for gift-giving occasions in general.
To Moronic – why waste time writing negative comments when the point of this post is to be a “guide” not a requirement. It’s moronically ironic how you think she is materialistic but then put her down with a “ridiculous” criticism. If you don’t agree with all of her bullet-points then that’s fine, but to write such a degrading comment shows that you have self-issues beyond a blogger’s interest.
omg, i love this!!!!
D
A love letter is good by me (as long as it also accompanies an actual gift) but all the rest? LMAO!
This is my favorite Clutch 22 post ever!
Tis the season…
This is so funny and SO TRUE. HA HA HA- nice post Jordie
Haha! This post is so funny! I just watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 days last night and it is so true about the fitness part. Anything that may resemble a fat comment or implication is a HUGE no no boys..
Brooke, http://www.snowingLove-bd.blogspot.com
If I were a guy, I would be in frustration right now because what else is not on that list?
I totally agree with most of those things except for the mixed tape. I would love it, if my boyfriend made me a tape with all the songs I totally love or that have to do with us. It kind of proves that he knows what I like. But maybe this only counts for me, because I’m a huge music fan.
hahaha. I think this post is hilarious and clever! Love it!
Ha! I LOVE this list! So true!
Good post, I am probably the only guy that stumbled along here by googleing some images. Regardless found this pretty funny, I cant imagine any guy giving their GF/Wife a “shake weight” not only is it cheesy, does not work but it also falls under that category you first mentioned about not buying anything to do with ‘exercising’. Are your under arms flabby?!
Well, all of these are subject to the caveat “unless she asks for it.” I mean, when I had my own space for a weight room, a new piece of equipment was an AWESOME gift. Ditto on the practical – car starter, fixit gifts or tools (are you kidding? I LOVE a nice piece of electric destruction equipment!) or new cool things for my already-oversupplied kitchen.
Fail gifts in my history of boys include: uncomfortable lingerie (seriously, not even for him am I going to wear scratchy red lace, and if that’s what you think of my cotton boyshorts, just take them off); too-big lingerie (ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?); gold jewellery (you never, ever noticed that not one of the many pieces of jewellery I wear is gold? I hate gold! Plus you could’ve saved yourself some cash; a big piece of handmade silver would’ve been cheaper than this stupid girly bit of diamond froof that shows you JUST DON’T KNOW ME.) Biggest “gift” fail ever in the history of fails: repaying a debt of money he owed me. Not even the heart he drew on the envelope redeemed that one. THAT. IS NOT. A PRESENT.
But… handmade? That’s mean. I’ve been with a boy who worked freelance, and sometimes couldn’t afford a gift, and believe me, handmade would’ve warmed my cockles way more than the bitter fights we had about “I can’t afford to buy you anything worthy of you/that you would like SO I JUST DIDN’T GET YOU ANYTHING.” Particularly since that boy is more than capable of writing the kind of poetry that would blow me away.
The real bottom line, gentlemen: take the time to think about your intended recipient. And if that kind of thought seems like too much effort, then maybe you shouldn’t be together in the first place.
This is hilarious! Especially #8. Reminds me of when my dad surprised me with a brand new car, and then he told me “You can afford the payments, right?” Ahh thanks dad.
ok hilarious and very true, but just wanted to get the record straight on #7. That is my favorite type of gift as long as its done in taste.
awesome job..you just set women back 100 years with that blog
i once had a guy give me a Flatscreen TV for Xmas (not bad)…but then told me I had to get Surround Sound to go with it (bad). This falls in the #2 Homer Simpson category
eleanore
http://www.TheSpinsterliciousLife.com
Excellent post, hilarious. Number 6 is very true given the season we are in.
actually i love anything to do with the kitchen, i wouldn’t be offended if he bought me kitchen stuff, and then id probably love even more a voucher for kitchen stuff so i could pick my own stuff out. would not be offended at all!
This list is funny
But honestly, the whole thing about handmade stuff, I think that’s okay as long as it’s something that you did a good job on. If it’s like the pictures, um, no, unless that comes with another present, too. But there are guys out there who can make really cool stuff, so in that case it’s acceptable. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being economical about a present. :3
Like if my boyfriend made me an aquarium out of an old monitor or something…SO COOL.
i have to disagree on #7. sometimes home made gifts are the best because the person put a lot of thought into making them.
i told my ex bf/best friend how i would love to light a bunch of tapered candles in my room but didn’t want to go buy lots of candle holders. one day he shows up at my house with a piece of wood with thick branches jutting out it and holes he’d drilled into it for the candles. he said he was out walking and found it on the side of the road and brought it home,sanded it down, stained it and drilled the holes.
i ended up just using it as a jewelry stand–the arms make perfect necklace holders. but its things like that that mean something to me because he listens when i tell him things and then he takes the time to make something like that when he doesn’t have to.